Does the Oxford dictionary accept suggestions?  I feel like it is missing a word, a word that describes me!  Growing up, I could never decide what category I belonged to: girly girl or tomboy? Like many things in life, I felt this wasn’t necessarily black or white. I fell in the gray area. I love to get pampered by getting my hair and nails done, and I enjoy “girly” shows and chick flicks. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I love camping, roughing it in the wilderness, and am not too fond of wearing dresses.

America’s Next Top Model (which I stopped watching a long time ago) was one of my first run-ins with how makeup can play such a huge role in certain industries, and ever since then Covergirl’s slogan “easy, breezy, beautiful covergirl” has been embedded in my brain. My mom sold AVON (does anyone know if this abbreviation actually stands for anything?) during my junior high years, so I was able to experiment a little with eyeshadow, but Sephora and Mac never fit into my family’s budget. Since then, the #nomakeup movement has gained traction with celebrities, for more people are “going naked – with their faces that is”. I once heard the saying, “makeup should never be used to hide yourself. It should be used to enhance your natural beauty,” and I couldn’t agree more. If I was better at applying makeup, I would probably wear it more often. However, I would rather save the extra 30 minutes in the morning writing new blog posts. I remember one girl I used to work with at JcPenney spent an hour every morning drawing her eyebrows on! Either she needs to get better at applying, or she needs to reevaluate her priorities! I have never been a fan of people drawing on eyebrows, but then again my nickname in 6th grade was “Eyebrows”. I was never lacking in that department.

Throughout my high school career, I never had the privilege of attending a school dance or even prom. Ever since then, I told myself I wanted to feel like a princess and indulge myself when I married someday. Well fast forward 6 years and that day has finally come, so I had my first makeup consultation a few days ago. Now, She-who-must-not-be-named (let’s just go with Cersei for the sake of the blog – I’m on a Game of Thrones kick right now) came over to my house. With a stylish outfit and only weighing about 100 pounds, she was a friend of a friend of a friend. Prior to the appointment, I sent Cersei examples of hair and au naturel makeup ideas from two of my Pinterest boards. Going into the appointment, I was curious about foundation. How could makeup artists have enough foundation to match every skin tone? I know foundation ain’t cheap either. Foundation was the one item I ever splurged on at Sephora (besides the Clarisonic face cleansing system for my mom), and it cost a whopping $43. As Cersei began to apply the foundation, it felt similar to when my hair stylist, Sue Beckwith, at JCP Salon at Gilbert and Germann, applies hair dye to my scalp — cold. Cersei definitely didn’t leave any corner unturned — she applied foundation to every square inch of my face and neck and used the sponge to blend for what felt like 10 minutes. I really hoped my breath smelled like Listerine because Cersei (a person I just met) was within inches of my face and had definitely crossed into the “awkward proximity” zone.

According to Cersei, the makeup “theme” was brown hues with some eye glimmer. I opted out of the winged eyeliner, so the final step was to apply the eyelashes. I had only worn false eyelashes once before when my roommate did my makeup for a Hank Williams concert I went to with my fiancé (Adam’s hero). I decided to give fake eyelashes a try again; after all, I was paying $40 for this trial and wanted to get my money’s worth. Cersei went with the most “natural” eyelashes she owned, and I was not impressed from the very beginning. The weight of the fake eyelashes left my eyes in a permanent state of “squintiness”. I remained optimistic though and figured I would get used to it after having them on for a few hours.

hank-williams-hitler-espn-lg

Now came the time girls are most excited for — The Big Reveal. I had no clue what to expect. I walked into the bathroom and gazed into the toothpaste-specked mirror which I made a mental note to clean later. Who was the stranger staring back at me? I almost let out a scream of disgust! I know it’s not “politically correct”, but my first thought was that I looked like one of the drag queens from Sons of Anarchy. The fake eyelashes looked as if two spiders were nesting on my eyelids, and the foundation was ten shades too dark for me. If this was a game of darts, Cersei didn’t even hit the board. Even worse, she missed the board, ricocheted off the wall, and hit me in the eye! I immediately texted my mom, “IT’S HORRIFIC” — a horrific look and a horrific dilemma. Cersei was in the other room, and I had no idea how to get the mortified look off my face let alone how to be honest with her and not hurt her feelings!  Take note, ladies, in case you ever end up in the same rocky boat as me. I ended up telling her I wouldn’t want the fake eyelashes for the wedding, and the foundation was too dark. In that moment, I could have won an Oscar for my acting performance as the “Queen of Calm”. In reality, I was anything but calm.

642x361_Spider_Bites_Black_Widow

As Cersei moved on to conquer my hair (as if she was overcoming a war zone), I was having a mental freak-out session. I had a dentist appointment in less than an hour. Should I cancel it? I couldn’t make a public appearance like this! Businesses have the right to kick people out if they choose to, and I felt like they would exercise that right as soon as they took a glimpse of my face. I would scare the children away! I was also worried that instead of cleaning my teeth, they would start cleaning my face too. Well, that really wouldn’t have been such a bad thing.

Finally, Cersei left and returned to Casterly Rock her house. We ended on a good note, and I figured I would never text her again (or give her the silent treatment). Adam’s first impression was to call me “Monster’s Inc” while my mom referenced Kim Kardashian. After deciding to go to my dentist appointment in order to avoid the same-day cancellation fee, I scrubbed my face as if the makeup was toxic. I ripped off those nasty spider legs she called fake eyelashes and flushed them down the toilet. I really should have called the Poison Control center, as I feel like I had been bitten by the most venomous spider in the world. I now understand why makeup trials were invented. If I had been naïve and simply hired Cersei for my wedding day, it would have been Red Wedding part 2.

If you wish to see a picture of how the makeup turned out, you can visit TheBlogHasSpoken. Has anyone else had any similar makeup horror stories? Does anyone know of any good and affordable makeup artists in the Phoenix area?

The Blog Has Spoken.